


do you take sugar? (one lump or two?)

by jim_morrisenpai



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Canon-Typical Sexism, FRIENDS TO BEST FRIENDS TO LOVERS, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, i dont have that kind of talent, no it isn't possible for me to name a story something that isn't a song lyric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-06 06:16:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15880236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jim_morrisenpai/pseuds/jim_morrisenpai
Summary: In an alternate universe where Charlie and Mac don't meet until their twenties, Charlie is a janitor at a café, and sometimes a waiter.They have more in common with each other than they expected.





	1. Chapter 1

Charlie didn’t graduate high school, and that was okay. He knew it was okay because his mom seemed to tell him every other day that he didn’t need a diploma to be her perfect little boy. That wasn’t really comforting, because Charlie was a man now, but he could appreciate the sentiment anyways.

When he was twenty, his best friend Dee pulled some strings and managed to get him a job working with the girl of his dreams at a coffee shop. It only took him three whole years of working with her to realize that he was acting like a creep, and Dee pointed out that he still hadn’t been able to remember her name. He eventually apologized to the waitress, and they actually ended up getting along as friends and coworkers.

“I’m kinda proud of you, Charlie,” Dee told him, punching his arm playfully. (It still hurt.) They were sitting at the bar her brother dreamed of owning, just talking about life. He couldn’t help but wonder how hard it had been for her to say that; she didn’t usually talk about feelings. He guessed it had something to do with her brother. Charlie didn’t see Dennis very often, but he usually just hurled insults at Charlie and Dee.

Smiling at her honesty, Charlie shrugged. “It sort of sucks. But it’s nice to have another friend, I guess.” He trailed off, not wanting to say something cheesy. He just really wanted someone to hug and kiss (even if he didn’t understand the appeal of kissing yet.)

Dee swayed in her seat a bit and said, “I know you’re such a romantic, Charlie, but you’re supposed to go for someone you actually like, not someone pretty who hates you.” She was definitely at least a little drunk.

“At least she doesn’t hate me anymore.”

“She will if you don’t start showering regularly.”

“My hot water got shut off.”

“Tough shit. Take cold showers.” She was right.

“But it’s not like I even deal with customers!”

“Being a janitor does not excuse you from hygiene.” He hated it, but she was right.

 

Charlie was glad to have actually listened to her the next day, when the waitress called off sick. The manager didn’t care when Charlie promised he knew nothing about waitressing.

“Just wear the apron and ask what they want. Be nice.”

It sounded easy enough, at least. He didn’t think being nice would be too hard.

He was pretty much right until about halfway through his shift. He was on his way to take someone’s order when he heard a barely-familiar voice call loudly from one side.

“Excuse me, is anyone working here today? Anyone gonna ask what I’d like to drink?”

Charlie turned towards the voice to see Dee’s brother and one of his friends seated at a booth. His friend’s face was a bit red and he was ducking his head a little. “Oh, hey Dennis,” Charlie greeted. “Sorry for the wait, I’m a little new to this.”

Dennis looked shocked, though Charlie wasn’t sure why. “And who, pray tell, might you be?”

Charlie looked down. “Uh, I’m Charlie, I’m friends with Dee.”

“Right, the obsessive paint-huffer. I remember now,” Dennis shrugged, hand on his chin. “You like that waitress who’s in love with me.”

“W-well, actually we’re just friends now, and I’m not obsessed anymore, so. She’s sick today, I’m just filling in for her.”

“I’m actually kind of thirsty, so I wanted to know if I could get a Sprite. Not really interested in your life story, bud.”

Charlie nodded hurriedly, turning to the person sitting across from Dennis. He looked old enough to drink, but a little younger than Charlie. He wore a long-sleeved button up over some kind of graphic tee that Charlie couldn’t read. His hair was fluffy, really dark, and his eyes were wide and brown. Just like a puppy’s. His mouth was surrounded by a nice 5 o’ clock shadow, and it was moving-

Shit.

“S-sorry, could you repeat that?”

Dennis leaned toward Charlie. “Are you incompetent?”

“Shut up, Dennis. He didn’t hear me. Just a root beer, thanks,” the mystery guy repeated, saving Charlie from further insults.

“Sure thing, I’ll be right back with your drinks.” Charlie left their table, trying not to think about what Dennis had said. Or his friend’s puppy dog eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

“Hey man, what has you so aggressive today? You’re almost never like this,” Mac asked Dennis, once the cute waiter left. (C’mon. It wasn’t even gay to admit that, this guy was cute in the least objective way.)

Dennis huffed. “That dirtball practically hangs off my sister like a leech. Builds her confidence. They’ve been hanging out since middle school.”

“We went to school with him?” How did Mac never notice him before?

“Yeah, dude, remember? Everyone called him Dirtgrub.”

“Oh shit! That’s Dirtgrub?”

“Yeah. Couldn’t you tell?”

Mac blinked and searched around for Charlie, as the guy had introduced himself. He found him and tried to remember Dirtgrub. Same goofy hair, same scrawny bod, but damn. He must have done some kind of heavy lifting job, because he had some nice arms. No homo.

“I see the resemblance. But he didn’t smell bad, didn’t he smell bad in high school?”

“He definitely smells better than usual. I promise he isn’t normally this clean.”

Mac shrugged. “We weren’t perfect in high school either.”

“Maybe you weren’t.”

Rolling his eyes, Mac pulled his sleeves up to his elbows absentmindedly. “Whatever. How often do you come to this place?”

“I don’t know, maybe once a week. I like to make that waitress feel like she has a chance with me.”

“You come here once a week and you didn’t realize your sister’s friend works here?”

“Did you not hear him? He outright said that the waitress is sick. Which means she’s probably one of the only people who usually waitresses here. He probably does the dirty work. Washes dishes. Cleans bathrooms.”

Mac looked around the café. It was actually pretty clean. As somebody who had worked in the food business, he knew it wasn’t necessarily easy to clean up after everyone. “He must do a good job, he didn’t even need to write down our drinks.”

Dennis took a turn rolling his eyes. “You really don’t have a straight bone in your body, do you?”

“I’m totally straight. I just think it would be cool to have more than one friend, maybe.” He gestured between the two of them. “Our friendship? It doesn’t exactly give off that ‘two straight bros hanging out’ vibe to outsiders. You and I know we’re straight, but it looks a little fruity to the public. If we had another dude friend? There wouldn’t be a doubt in anyone’s mind that we’re just three totally straight friends just chilling.”

“Or they would think we’re three totally gay guys, gaying it up. Besides, why do you care what other people think? People would still get a gay vibe from you even if we didn’t hang out.”

Mac squinted. “You’re just jealous, aren’t you? You can’t stand the thought of me having a friend who isn’t you, can you?”

Dennis opened his mouth to retaliate just as a glass of Sprite was set down in front of him. Mac glanced over to Charlie as his root beer was set down too.

“Here you go, guys. Honestly, I’m a little surprised you didn’t want coffee or something hot. This is a coffeeshop, after all.” Mac lowered his eyebrows and huffed a laugh. Dennis looked offended.

“Well, as far as I’m concerned, Chrundl,” Dennis said, reading Charlie’s name tag absentmindedly, “it really isn’t any of your-” He cut himself off mid-sentence. “What?”

“Ah, no, actually you’re pronouncing it wrong. I told you earlier, it’s pronounced ‘Charlie,’ my handwriting is just a little messy.”

“I think your grip on the alphabet is messy to say the least, pal.”

Charlie bristled. “Hey, just because I’m friends with your sister doesn’t mean you can call me ‘pal’ after saying shit like that.”

“Yeah? Actually, I think I can call you whatever I want, Dirtgrub.”

Mac cleared his throat. “Dennis, don’t be fucking rude.”

“Rude to this illiterate janitor? Charlie, why don’t you tell me what this says?” Dennis held up a menu and pointed to a section.

Charlie leaned forward, squinted, and said quietly, “Huh, that’s weird. It says, ‘I’m gonna rip your fucking throat out with my teeth after my shift.’”

Dennis looked thrown off, almost seeming to pale at the imagery, then narrowed his eyes. “I really don’t think you wanna make a threat like that.”

Charlie was still speaking softly. “That wasn’t a threat, dude, that was a promise. Or a warning, depending on if you want to fuck off and let me do my job.”

Mac elbowed Dennis. “Hey, I really wanna back you up here, but he’s got this crazy look in his eyes and I’m really not into dying of blood loss.”

“Then don’t back me up,” Dennis laughed coldly, standing up and looking down at Charlie. “I don’t think it would take even half of my strength to kick your ass, Charlie. You’re an ant, picking a fight with a god.”

Pulling his eyebrows up and together, Charlie didn’t look intimidated. “You think you’re a god? Because right now, you just look like a jerk in a coffeeshop.”

An irritated manager appeared from behind the counter, getting Charlie’s attention. “What the shit is taking so long? You have other customers, take orders, give the orders to me. Move faster!”

Turning back toward their table, Charlie made eye contact with Mac. “What can I get for you this evening?”

Mac suddenly realized he was gaping and shut his mouth. “Uh, I’ll just get spaghetti.”

“We sell spaghetti? Wild. What about you?”

Dennis sniffed in disinterest and sat down. “Just the check.”

As Charlie left, Mac’s eyes widened. “You’re leaving? Dude, what the hell just happened? I thought you said I was the one who could never keep cool.”

“You yelled at a busboy for three minutes once because he asked if you believed in God.”

“I’m wearing a cross necklace, of course I believe in God!”

“Save it, Mac.”

“Anyways, you literally accused that guy of being illiterate. He got upset for a reason.”

Dennis rolled his eyes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were the feelings police.”

“He offered a truce and you called yourself a god, dude.”

Charlie came back with a check, setting it down by Dennis and turning to Mac. “I’ll bring your spaghetti out in fifteen minutes.”

“No problem,” Mac nodded. “Please don’t spit in my food?”

Looking caught off guard, Charlie’s confusion melted into amusement as he coughed out a laugh. “You’re safe,” he pointed at Mac, smiling before leaving again.

Mac held his chin up with his hand thoughtfully. Dennis snorted and stood up, leaving exact change. “You’re the worst excuse for a heterosexual I have ever seen.”

Absentmindedly, Mac nodded. “Yeah, you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave me a thought!


	3. Chapter 3

Charlie spent a total of fourteen minutes worrying about bringing the spaghetti to Dennis’ friend, even while he took orders (without a notepad. There was no point in writing orders down when sometimes Charlie struggled even reading his own scribbles.)

So he was illiterate, big fucking deal. It had taken him a while to admit it to himself, and longer to tell Dee, who stopped laughing when he started crying. She proceeded to tell him the truth about literacy, which he took to heart.

Not everybody gets enough support to learn to read and write, it isn’t an easy process. And the older you get, the harder it becomes to learn. Charlie’s mom was too busy paying bills when he was growing up to help him, and without a father, he could only rely on teachers. Most of his teachers hadn’t been patient enough to help him. The ones who tried weren’t able to help very much with the time they had with him. He tried, but it felt pretty pointless after a while.

He didn’t want this guy to know he was illiterate. Dennis either, but once he thought he knew something, you couldn’t really convince him otherwise. Dee had said that to Charlie enough times for it to stick.

The order was called, and Charlie wiped his hands on his pants and took the plate to the table. “Here you go, clean plate of spaghetti.”

The guy smiled. “Thanks.”

Charlie shuffled nervously and cleared his throat. “So, uh, I’m sorry for freaking out on your friend.”

Shaking his head quickly, the dark haired stranger held his hands up. “No way, you were really patient with him. If someone got in my face like that, I would have gotten pissed a lot faster than you did. Dennis can be a dick sometimes. I’m Mac, by the way.” Mac held his hand out for a handshake, and Charlie took it.

“Charlie Kelly, illiterate janitor.” He dropped his hand, closed his eyes, and hoped that he didn’t actually say that. When he opened them, the words were still hanging in the air.

Mac seemed to snatch them from where they were hanging and put them in his pocket, smiling warmly. “That’s an important job. I hate gross shit, I could never be a janitor. I worked in fast food once and probably threw up after every shift, and all I did was made the food. Just being around that stuff makes me sick.”

Charlie sighed in relief. “It’s what I’m good at. When I was a kid, my mom didn’t take care of the house really well. I tried to clean when I could remember to. I got pretty good at doing it quickly.”

“What about your dad? Why didn’t he clean?”

“Oh, I don’t have a dad.”

Mac hissed in a breath and picked up his fork, looking at it closely. “I’m really sorry to hear that.”

Confused, Charlie shook his head. “No, it’s fine. I just don’t have a dad. Never heard of him, never met him. Don’t know who he is or where he is.”  


“Charlie!”

Charlie looked at the counter where his manager stood.

“Leave the poor guy alone, his spaghetti’s getting cold. Take some goddamn orders.”

Sparing Mac a sheepish glance, Charlie lifted his hand and mouthed ‘bye.’

“See you later, Charlie. Don’t rip out any throats,” Mac said, smiling goofily.

 

The rest of his shift actually went pretty well. It was kind of nice to not have to clean as much the whole time, if Charlie was being honest with himself. Even the bad customers were nothing after what had happened with Dennis.

When Charlie got home, he flopped onto his bed and checked his flip phone.

_3 missed calls from MOM._

Sighing softly, he debated ignoring her again, but there were only so many times he could get away with blaming it on work before she would show up at his apartment crying. He punched in her number. It rang three times.

“Charlie!”

“Hey Mom, you don’t have to call me so much. You can just wait for me to call you.”

“That’s okay sweetie, I just like to check up on you. Did you make any friends today?”

Charlie rolled his eyes. “No,” he emphasized, then reconsidered. “Well, maybe. I don’t know. I met someone cool today.”

“Oh, that’s so wonderful to hear!” Her voice chirped too loudly, and Charlie had to pull the phone away from his ear for a moment. “What’s her name?”

“Uh, actually it was this guy named Mac. He’s friends with Dee’s brother.”

“Sweet Dee? How nice. Now Charlie, don’t you be discouraged about that little trampy waitress turning you down, you wait until you find a sweet girl to settle down with-”

“Don’t talk about her like that, Mom, and I’m over it. I’ll compensate with a bunch of pet cats and rats, I don’t need a girlfriend.”

His mom was silent for a moment, and he was about to say goodbye when she said, “What about that Mac fellow? I would still love you even if you had to adopt my grandkids, Charlie.”

Charlie looked at the ceiling in exasperation. “God, what? No, gross, I just met him, ugh. Whatever, okay, sentiment understood. I have to go now.”

“I love you Charlie, you be safe-”

“Yeah yeah yeah, bye Mom!” He flipped the phone shut with much satisfaction and flopped back into bed. That was probably more exhausting than his entire day had been. He kicked off his shoes, changed his pants and shirt, and fell asleep.

He woke up around 2 in the morning to a text from his manager.

_Can you come in and do an emergency cleaning? Inspection tomorrow._

Frowning, Charlie tried to focus on the words he knew. Come in, clean, ins…. inspeck…. in speck tie on. Inspection? Shit. He groaned and typed out a single yes, getting dressed after hitting send.

It would be a long night.


	4. Chapter 4

Mac showed up by himself early the next day, because any coffee shop that offers spaghetti must have some other cool shit on the menu. He had only gotten to skim over it during his conversation with Dennis, but hearing Charlie call it ‘wild’ had gotten him thinking.

A young woman cleared her throat, and he looked up from where he had gotten lost in the folds of the menu. She was pretty, probably about his age, and she was smiling softly. “Hey, welcome to the Javawocky Café, right now we are offering a two-for-one deal on small-sized hot beverages. My name is…” Mac accidentally tuned her out, looking back to the menu and wondering why he felt a ball of disappointment hanging in his ribcage.

“Could I just get a medium coffee and a hot pretzel?”

The waitress scribbled his order. “Alright, I’ll be right back with that, anything else I can get for you?”

Before he could stop himself, the words were out of his mouth. “Does Charlie work today?”

Her eyes narrowed as her mouth formed a slight scowl. “The janitor Charlie? He might be working today, I don’t know. We don’t really um, work in the same space.”

Mac nodded. “Okay, sorry, thanks.” The waitress seemed irritated as she left, and Mac remembered hearing something about a stalking incident between Charlie and the waitress. He winced and inhaled nervously. Charlie seemed pretty cool, but what was his deal? Dennis said that Charlie was the reason Dee set fire to her roommate somehow, but Mac had figured out to only believe half of what Dennis told him at any given point.

Halfway through his (disappointing) coffee, he got up to use the restroom. He turned to wash his hands and jumped.

Charlie was asleep next to a bucket under the sinks, holding a scrub brush.

Mac washed his hands as quickly as he could, because hygiene counts, dammit, and crouched next to Charlie, shaking his shoulder.

“Dude. Charlie, c’mon. Wake up.”

Waking up a little at a time, Charlie opened his eyes and raised his head. “Oh, hey spaghetti.”

Mac pulled his eyebrows together. “What happened to you? Why were you sleeping here?”

“Just taking a quick nap,” Charlie slurred. “Is the health inspector… oh shit, are you the health inspector?”

“What? No. Were you cleaning all night?”

Charlie blinked. “Maybe. I mean, I don’t know when I fell asleep.”

“You should probably take a break.” Mac pulled Charlie to his feet and headed for the door, but Charlie grabbed his arm.

“Are you doing anything today?” Charlie asked quietly.

Mac turned to him curiously. “Not really. Why?”

Clearing his throat, Charlie’s eyes danced between the wall and Mac. “Would- uh, we could… no reason. Me too. Nevermind, sorry.” His face was turning red really quickly.

“You’re good, no worries. I’ll see you around!” Mac took a deep breath and left the bathroom. Well, that was weird.

Mac sat back down at his table, holding his head in one hand and looking out the window. The waitress came by with the check, which he paid without leaving the table just yet. He needed a minute.

His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he checked it quickly.

_Where are you, bitch?_

Shit, he was supposed to chill with Dennis this morning!

Suddenly feeling overwhelmed, he set his phone on the table and slouched, taking in a deep breath. Dennis could be too much sometimes. It was great to have somebody to talk to and relax with, but there were just so many things that were off limits with him. There were a lot of things he didn’t care about, like what Mac’s favorite movies were, and how sick his karate was. Dennis seemed almost obsessed with talking about girls and the bar he would own someday. They had been tackling the same two topics their entire friendship. An entire decade. Jesus Christ.

Mac tapped his fingers against the table, unsure of how to reply. His thoughts strayed to Charlie, tired and helpless in the bathroom. Hm.

 

Charlie might have felt just a little shut down. It definitely wasn’t Mac’s fault. He just wished he was cool enough to ask somebody to hang out like a normal person. He looked up from lazily cleaning the corner of the bathroom mirror at the sound of the bathroom door opening.

“Hey,” Mac said, pointing at Charlie. “What are your thoughts about ice skating?”

Charlie did a double take and looked behind himself quickly. “Me?”

Mac pushed his hair back carelessly and nodded. “Yeah, man, we’re the only two in here.”

“Well, obviously ice skating’s awesome. You get to wear knives on your shoes. You gotta have a good sense of balance though, or else you wind up with about a million bruises.”

“You know how to ice skate?” Mac seemed impressed.

Beaming a little bit, Charlie shrugged. “What, like it’s hard?”

“No, no way! It’s like, super easy, especially for me. Listen, there’s an ice skating rink not too far from here. Would you wanna hang out? I mean, Dennis isn’t really into that kind of stuff. I’ll drive us.” To Charlie, Mac seemed totally confident and cool.

“When do you want to go? ‘Cause I can clock out right now. I mean, I’m technically not supposed to be here right now.”

Mac smiled and his eyes sparkled. “Cool. Let’s go.” He turned to leave the bathroom for the second time.

Several thoughts ran through Charlie’s mind at once as he followed Mac out. He was thinking about how his heart was flipping at the idea of having another friend, and how cool it was that he would have a guy friend again. Dooley and Pete hadn’t talked to him since tenth grade. He also thought about how long it had been since he’d been out ice skating. He really hoped he wouldn’t fall on his face in front of Mac.

“Cool,” he tacked on uselessly, smiling back.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!! please leave a comment and let me know what you think!


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